Intimacy as a product of sex, not a requirement for it

Posted 5/18/2013

So I’ve been sick for the last ten days, with all kinds of things that are keeping me from feeling sexy.  Don’t worry I won’t share the gory details, but it stated with ear infections in both ears from a cold I caught from my toddler.  I find that when I am feeling less connected to my husband, one of the reasons is because we haven’t had sex in a while. In my experience, sex is the number one way to create intimacy in the relationship when it’s missing.

Women, I know we like to talk, share and be vulnerable, that’s how we feel connected.  I have had female clients who feel that they need to be wooed, or romanced to have sex with their partners.  They feel like the intamcy must come first, then the sex. However, for most men, sex is a the way for them to be vulnerable and feel connected to us (not that it’s how they would describe it.) Sex is the access to creating intimacy. And after they are satisfied, they are more likely to be able to listen to us for longer stretches of time for us to share.

As Charlotte York said in Sex & the City, “Harry & I make love 2-3 times a week.” My guess is that is probably a good average that most people are happy with. But Samantha on the other hand wants it all of the time. Once you both have discussed it and have figured out how many times a week keeps you both satisfied, it’s really easy to notice when there is something else going on in the relationship. Yes, I know sometimes, the schedule is off, someone is sick (like I have been), or whatever – but that’s not what I’m talking about.

Sexual frequency is a  good way to judge when there is something else that’s not working in the relationship. If you’re mad at your man for some reason, you don’t want to have sex with him and vice versa.  I know I have had things going on, and not even been aware of a resentment or unspoken communication until I have realized it’s been a while since we’d had sex.

Pay attention: If you are not having sex as often as you would like, or as he would like, look to see what other part of your relationship is blocking the flow of intimacy.  Lack of sex is usually an obvious way to see if things are off track.  So if it’s been a while for you too, figure out what’s bothering you -communicate it, and get it resolved!  Go have some hot make-up sex!  You’ll both feel better soon.

Read the rest of this entry »

Who am I?

Posted 4/24/2013

Well I have been married, made many mistakes, learned from them, and came out on the other side with a great new husband. After I got divorced I delved into relationship books, seminars, communication and team seminars, I met with healers, therapists, and anyone I could learn from. To quote Thomas Edison “I didn’t fail ten thousand times. I successfully eliminated ten thousand materials and combinations that didn’t work.“

So I was like Edison trying to invent the light bulb during my first marriage, I made ten thousand mistakes, and came out on the other side with the answers that I think make the difference and will help keep others from making the mistakes I made.

That’s when people started relating to me as an expert on relationships. I give good advice and coaching on how to interact with your partner, and create more love, passion and joy, where it has been missing.

Now, I am a Associate Certified Coach through the International Coach Federation. I have been coaching people since 2003. I really enjoy seminars, and got the opportunity to coach other people while in a two yearlong communication program at Landmark Education. I am also married to my Mr. Right, the man of my Dreams, so I will refer to him as “Captain Dreamy.” He and I have been together over eight years and have a beautiful young daughter.

Here are a few things that I have learned along the path from my divorce to my happy fulfilling marriage to Captain Dreamy, that I think will help others. I hope this information will not only start you on a path of correcting the behaviors that don’t work in relationships, but also learn new ones that will help keep you in healthy happy relationships.